The healthiest relationships aren’t the ones that never experience rupture. They’re the ones that know how to repair. One of my favorite quotes from Dr. John Gottman is: “The masters of relationships are masters of repair.” I think about those words every time I sit with a couple. As a Gottman-trained therapist, I spend a lot of time teaching couples that conflict isn’t the enemy. Disconnection is inevitable. What predicts the health of a relationship isn’t whether you fight—

A Guide for the Guy Who Genuinely Doesn’t Get It. The Mental Load doesn’t take a summer vacation like this little guy. Summer Is Here. And She Is Running on Empty. It is 9:17 in the morning. School has been out for 8 days. She has already been asked what’s for breakfast, what’s for lunch, what snacks do we have, and — I kid you not — what’s for dinner? It is 9:17 in the morning. Somewhere between the third “I’m bored” and the second request for something that requires the sto

I always feel that couples counseling is often misused and misunderstood. One half either doesn’t want to be there, was forced to be there or is simply giving it a last ditched effort so they can check off the box and say they did it. Some of the reasons I have heard from couples I have worked with. “If we go to therapy, I might have to use... feelings.”Translation: They’re scared of vulnerability and don’t have the vocabulary yet—but that’s what you’re here for! “The therap

One major way that people sabotage their happiness within intimate relationships is by comparing themselves to couples at different ages and stages or how they were in their 20’s. They also tend to compare themselves to their "happy" friends. In this post, I hope to help level expectations for what a happy and healthy relationship looks like in your 40’s and 50’s, as opposed to your 20’s and 30’s. Marriage changes after the hormonally driven 1.5-3-year honeymoon stage. But ag

I lost my Dad about a year and half ago and it seems like lots of my friends are losing parents. We often talk about how sad this current stage of life is. These days, I seem to meet up with my childhood friends at wakes and funerals. When my husband and I got married in our 20s, we entered the wedding season of life. We had a party every weekend. In our 30s, those same friends got pregnant, and the celebrations continued as we entered the baby season of life. Now, in our

Many times, people tell me that their spouse is "always" the one to start the fight with them. People who think that they are the hapless victim of an argumentative partner generally do not recognize their own contribution to the fighting. Generally, couples who fight often are locked into a dynamic where one is aggressive, and one is passive aggressive. The passive aggressive partner acts like a victim, but in reality, is being as dismissive and stubborn as the more flagrant

My kids got me this shirt for my birthday last year. I think it captures my essence perfectly. The one thing that has been consistent in my approach to everything is “balance.” I believe when you have balance in every area of your life including parenting, then you are in good shape. I keep reading about “gentle parenting.” It’s all-over social media, blogs etc. While I am all about gentleness and self-control, I want to share a few thoughts. It seems like it’s a trend withou

Many people ask me what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I often say that the biggest issue in every relationship is unmet expectations. But I want to talk about some expectations that are healthy and transformative. When you don’t grow up seeing a loving and connected marriage between your parents, it is very hard to know what to expect within marriage. Lots of my clients are adult children of dysfunctional families. It is nearly impossible to know what “heal

There is, of course, no one right answer to this question. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably trying to sell you something. We know from the research that there are a range of constructive ways to handle unsavory kid behavior. Still, I know that sometimes, it can be useful to hear specific suggestions. So here are mine. 1. Try to stay calm. Sometimes, parents yell. And that’s fine. Your human. (Just take responsibility and apologize for it later.) But if you can s

Many parents, especially mothers find parenting teenagers to be the most stressful phase of their lives. I’ve discussed here about how to connect with your teens. You can read Part 1 and Part 2 about Connecting with your kids. Mothers are working through other issues at the same time as this stage hits. This post addresses why parenting teens can be challenging and how couples can help each other through it without taking the stress out on each other. As soon as puberty hit

A group of teenage girls on a Christian retreat were taken to a mountaintop and told to listen to their mothers. One at a time, they were blindfolded and told what steps to take. Since cliffs were nearby, they had to walk slowly and deliberately. Each blindfolded girl was told to listen to her mom. Her mom was instructed to speak softer and softer until her voice became a whisper. Meanwhile, the girls watching were told to gradually get louder and louder to drown out the moth

Like most parents, I have some wisdom to share with my kids. Maybe I think I have more than I actually do. But they keep me humble and remind me I don’t know everything. "You are not Coptic Oprah, Mom." So I digress, but I do have a little bit of wisdom that can really help them, based on my own experiences and mistakes. And maybe just maybe someone will listen. With my teenagers, I have realized that attention spans are limited. We can blame TikTok or Instagram reels but the

Great attention is paid these days to the subject of “mean girls.” For moms raising daughters, it’s a hot topic, something that adults can get fired up about. This can be particularly triggering for me as I have met my fair share of mean girls. When my daughter shared with me how she is spoken too by one girl in her group, mamma bear surfaced very quickly. I’ll go take care of it myself, teach that young lady, her mother and everyone a hard lesson. But we all know that won’

I was filling out the endless paperwork for re-enrollment for my youngest son’s school. He is starting his final year at the elementary school that all 3 of my kids attended since pre-K. I found myself really missing those days where all they wanted was me. I was literally the center of their world, and I didn’t always realize that at the time through the haze of sleep deprivation and the new normal. I remember thinking that putting them in the all-day preschool would make my

So many couples argue incessantly and have no idea that this is destroying their relationship, the peace in their home, and their kids’ ability to get along well with others. Their blind spot is that they both wholeheartedly believe that it is necessary to have an opinion about everything that transpires in their world. This is wrong and was learned in your childhood, either directly or as a counter-reaction. There are two types of people who constantly push their opinions a

When couples are struggling in their marriage, particularly in the dynamic where the woman is the emotional partner and her husband is the avoidant one, the woman’s parenting tends to suffer more than her husband’s does. Her patience levels towards her kids can drop more dramatically than her husband’s due to the relationship conflict. Understanding this can be a useful and transformative realization for couples. First the macro variables. Women generally do more childcare, a

Everyone has their own preferred love language, and all are equally important. But there is a compelling argument that I am about to make in which physical touch is the most important. This is because, unlike every other love language, you are not able to get your physical touch love language met by other people in your life. When spouses who don’t prioritize physical touch and minimize their spouse’s need for physical affection, including sex, cuddling, kissing, they are le

I, like many others in my community grew up in a child-centered home. My immigrant parents were in a new country with new social norms, far from anything familiar and did everything to protect my brother and I, with the goal to afford us opportunities that they didn’t have. They did their best with the few tools they had. But we are a new generation with every possible answer at the hit of a search button and we have access to an endless self-help world. These days, couples w

Over the years, in my practice, I’ve noticed that when I ask couples if they have a good working definition of emotional safety, it is often hard for them to respond. However, when I ask couples if they can describe what the opposite of emotional safety in a close relationship might look like, the responses flow freely. Below are some of the most common responses to the question about what a lack of emotional safety looks like: When you feel like your partner doesn’t respect

The Kiss by Gustav Klimt, the paradigm of tenderness and passion and one of my favorites. I think that most romantic relationships begin with a phase of intense, highly pleasurable bonding based on the mutual fantasy that you and the other person are ideally matched and perfectly suited for each other, soul mates. Intense spells of passion are as effective at blocking pain as cocaine and other illicit drugs. “Love on the brain” is the same feeling. When you’re in love, you ex