Relationships

The healthiest relationships aren’t the ones that never experience rupture. They’re the ones that know how to repair. One of my favorite quotes from Dr. John Gottman is: “The masters of relationships are masters of repair.” I think about those words every time I sit with a couple. As a Gottman-trained therapist, I spend a lot of time teaching couples that conflict isn’t the enemy. Disconnection is inevitable. What predicts the health of a relationship isn’t whether you fight—

A Guide for the Guy Who Genuinely Doesn’t Get It. The Mental Load doesn’t take a summer vacation like this little guy. Summer Is Here. And She Is Running on Empty. It is 9:17 in the morning. School has been out for 8 days. She has already been asked what’s for breakfast, what’s for lunch, what snacks do we have, and — I kid you not — what’s for dinner? It is 9:17 in the morning. Somewhere between the third “I’m bored” and the second request for something that requires the sto

I always feel that couples counseling is often misused and misunderstood. One half either doesn’t want to be there, was forced to be there or is simply giving it a last ditched effort so they can check off the box and say they did it. Some of the reasons I have heard from couples I have worked with. “If we go to therapy, I might have to use... feelings.”Translation: They’re scared of vulnerability and don’t have the vocabulary yet—but that’s what you’re here for! “The therap

One major way that people sabotage their happiness within intimate relationships is by comparing themselves to couples at different ages and stages or how they were in their 20’s. They also tend to compare themselves to their "happy" friends. In this post, I hope to help level expectations for what a happy and healthy relationship looks like in your 40’s and 50’s, as opposed to your 20’s and 30’s. Marriage changes after the hormonally driven 1.5-3-year honeymoon stage. But ag

I lost my Dad about a year and half ago and it seems like lots of my friends are losing parents. We often talk about how sad this current stage of life is. These days, I seem to meet up with my childhood friends at wakes and funerals. When my husband and I got married in our 20s, we entered the wedding season of life. We had a party every weekend. In our 30s, those same friends got pregnant, and the celebrations continued as we entered the baby season of life. Now, in our

Many times, people tell me that their spouse is "always" the one to start the fight with them. People who think that they are the hapless victim of an argumentative partner generally do not recognize their own contribution to the fighting. Generally, couples who fight often are locked into a dynamic where one is aggressive, and one is passive aggressive. The passive aggressive partner acts like a victim, but in reality, is being as dismissive and stubborn as the more flagrant

My kids got me this shirt for my birthday last year. I think it captures my essence perfectly. The one thing that has been consistent in my approach to everything is “balance.” I believe when you have balance in every area of your life including parenting, then you are in good shape. I keep reading about “gentle parenting.” It’s all-over social media, blogs etc. While I am all about gentleness and self-control, I want to share a few thoughts. It seems like it’s a trend withou

Many people ask me what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I often say that the biggest issue in every relationship is unmet expectations. But I want to talk about some expectations that are healthy and transformative. When you don’t grow up seeing a loving and connected marriage between your parents, it is very hard to know what to expect within marriage. Lots of my clients are adult children of dysfunctional families. It is nearly impossible to know what “heal

A few weeks ago, while driving my kids we started talking about friendships. They were very curious about my friends. I don’t have a lot of family here, so I always overcompensated in friends. I used to have these epic parties and I would be very inclusive and invite everyone. I enjoy hosting but was whipped out after every party and my kids never wanted big shin digs. I realized it was more about me. As I got older though, my circle became smaller, more intimate and more mea

A Love Set in Stone Psyche Revived by Cupid’s Kiss is one of the most beautiful sculptures by Antonio Canova. It represents the meeting between two young married lovers and is the metaphor of the eternal struggle between rationality and instinct, between heart and mind. I was in Paris with my daughter early this summer and we visited the Musée du Louvre. (Article coming soon about our incredible mother/daughter trip.) This was by far, my favorite masterpiece in the Museum. I

So many couples argue incessantly and have no idea that this is destroying their relationship, the peace in their home, and their kids’ ability to get along well with others. Their blind spot is that they both wholeheartedly believe that it is necessary to have an opinion about everything that transpires in their world. This is wrong and was learned in your childhood, either directly or as a counter-reaction. There are two types of people who constantly push their opinions a

When couples are struggling in their marriage, particularly in the dynamic where the woman is the emotional partner and her husband is the avoidant one, the woman’s parenting tends to suffer more than her husband’s does. Her patience levels towards her kids can drop more dramatically than her husband’s due to the relationship conflict. Understanding this can be a useful and transformative realization for couples. First the macro variables. Women generally do more childcare, a

Everyone has their own preferred love language, and all are equally important. But there is a compelling argument that I am about to make in which physical touch is the most important. This is because, unlike every other love language, you are not able to get your physical touch love language met by other people in your life. When spouses who don’t prioritize physical touch and minimize their spouse’s need for physical affection, including sex, cuddling, kissing, they are le

The existence of love, safety, trust, and respect, in a relationship is often hurt by moments you might dismiss as petty disagreements. The things that destroy the foundation of a healthy marriage can often disguise themselves as unimportant. Many dangerous things neither appear nor feel dangerous as they’re happening. They’re not bombs and gunshots. They’re paper cuts. And that is the danger. When we don’t recognize something as threatening, then we’re not careful. These tin

Over the years, in my practice, I’ve noticed that when I ask couples if they have a good working definition of emotional safety, it is often hard for them to respond. However, when I ask couples if they can describe what the opposite of emotional safety in a close relationship might look like, the responses flow freely. Below are some of the most common responses to the question about what a lack of emotional safety looks like: When you feel like your partner doesn’t respect

The Kiss by Gustav Klimt, the paradigm of tenderness and passion and one of my favorites. I think that most romantic relationships begin with a phase of intense, highly pleasurable bonding based on the mutual fantasy that you and the other person are ideally matched and perfectly suited for each other, soul mates. Intense spells of passion are as effective at blocking pain as cocaine and other illicit drugs. “Love on the brain” is the same feeling. When you’re in love, you ex