The healthiest relationships aren’t the ones that never experience rupture. They’re the ones that know how to repair. One of my favorite quotes from Dr. John Gottman is: “The masters of relationships are masters of repair.” I think about those words every time I sit with a couple. As a Gottman-trained therapist, I spend a lot of time teaching couples that conflict isn’t the enemy. Disconnection is inevitable. What predicts the health of a relationship isn’t whether you fight—

A Guide for the Guy Who Genuinely Doesn’t Get It. The Mental Load doesn’t take a summer vacation like this little guy. Summer Is Here. And She Is Running on Empty. It is 9:17 in the morning. School has been out for 8 days. She has already been asked what’s for breakfast, what’s for lunch, what snacks do we have, and — I kid you not — what’s for dinner? It is 9:17 in the morning. Somewhere between the third “I’m bored” and the second request for something that requires the sto

I always feel that couples counseling is often misused and misunderstood. One half either doesn’t want to be there, was forced to be there or is simply giving it a last ditched effort so they can check off the box and say they did it. Some of the reasons I have heard from couples I have worked with. “If we go to therapy, I might have to use... feelings.”Translation: They’re scared of vulnerability and don’t have the vocabulary yet—but that’s what you’re here for! “The therap

One major way that people sabotage their happiness within intimate relationships is by comparing themselves to couples at different ages and stages or how they were in their 20’s. They also tend to compare themselves to their "happy" friends. In this post, I hope to help level expectations for what a happy and healthy relationship looks like in your 40’s and 50’s, as opposed to your 20’s and 30’s. Marriage changes after the hormonally driven 1.5-3-year honeymoon stage. But ag

I lost my Dad about a year and half ago and it seems like lots of my friends are losing parents. We often talk about how sad this current stage of life is. These days, I seem to meet up with my childhood friends at wakes and funerals. When my husband and I got married in our 20s, we entered the wedding season of life. We had a party every weekend. In our 30s, those same friends got pregnant, and the celebrations continued as we entered the baby season of life. Now, in our

Many times, people tell me that their spouse is "always" the one to start the fight with them. People who think that they are the hapless victim of an argumentative partner generally do not recognize their own contribution to the fighting. Generally, couples who fight often are locked into a dynamic where one is aggressive, and one is passive aggressive. The passive aggressive partner acts like a victim, but in reality, is being as dismissive and stubborn as the more flagrant

My kids got me this shirt for my birthday last year. I think it captures my essence perfectly. The one thing that has been consistent in my approach to everything is “balance.” I believe when you have balance in every area of your life including parenting, then you are in good shape. I keep reading about “gentle parenting.” It’s all-over social media, blogs etc. While I am all about gentleness and self-control, I want to share a few thoughts. It seems like it’s a trend withou

Many people ask me what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. I often say that the biggest issue in every relationship is unmet expectations. But I want to talk about some expectations that are healthy and transformative. When you don’t grow up seeing a loving and connected marriage between your parents, it is very hard to know what to expect within marriage. Lots of my clients are adult children of dysfunctional families. It is nearly impossible to know what “heal

There is, of course, no one right answer to this question. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably trying to sell you something. We know from the research that there are a range of constructive ways to handle unsavory kid behavior. Still, I know that sometimes, it can be useful to hear specific suggestions. So here are mine. 1. Try to stay calm. Sometimes, parents yell. And that’s fine. Your human. (Just take responsibility and apologize for it later.) But if you can s

Many parents, especially mothers find parenting teenagers to be the most stressful phase of their lives. I’ve discussed here about how to connect with your teens. You can read Part 1 and Part 2 about Connecting with your kids. Mothers are working through other issues at the same time as this stage hits. This post addresses why parenting teens can be challenging and how couples can help each other through it without taking the stress out on each other. As soon as puberty hit